End-Times Bible Prophecy By Patience Prence

FUNNY CHRISTIAN JOKES

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SCARS: An End Times Prophecy Novel
END-TIME PROPHECY BLOG
What are the horses of the Apocalypse?
Did the angel Gabriel tell Daniel who the end-times false Christ was?
What are the locusts from the bottomless pit?
Who is the false prophet?
Where and who is Mystery Babylon?
How is the faithful city become an harlot! What city is this?
The Merchants of Mystery Babylon: What they sell may shock you!
If Jerusalem is Mystery Babylon where is her sea port?
A Pyramid in Jerusalem?
Message to the Church - REPENT!
7 Steps to the New World Order
Christian Books
Jesse Ventura's Conspiracy Theory Videos
Ex-Illuminati Doc Marquis Videos
Revelation 13 - King James Version
Current events of the coming Antichrist
The Beasts Of The Apocalypse
Who Is The Antichrist?
Is Maitreya the Antichrist?
Bible clues to The ANTICHRIST -The First BEAST of Revelation
Who is Petrus Romanus? Will he be the False Prophet?
666 The MARK of the BEAST 666
What Is The Image Of The BEAST?
New World Order - Ten kingdoms Of The Beast?
Who Are The 144,000 In Revelation?
Is Sunday The Mark Of The Beast?
Matthew 24 * The End Of The World
Evidence For The Resurrection
THE MARTYR'S * Did They die for a lie?
Who fulfilled this prophecy "they pierced my hands and my feet"?
New (Age) King James Version?
Do All Paths Lead to God?
Is America A Christian Nation?
FUNNY CHRISTIAN JOKES
If God Is Invisible ... Is He Really There?
Through the fire.
About Author Patience Prence
Contact Patience Prence

  Over 200 five-star reviews! Christian Fiction End-Times thriller!

The apocalypse continues!

Think of how boring life would be if we didn’t laugh and have fun? This blog is dedicated to fun Christian Jokes.


Enjoy!

 

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.

 

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

 

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

 

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

 

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

 

Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A Samson. He brought the house down.

 

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

 

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

 

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing.

 

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

 

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

 

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. ( Groan ...)

 An atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays.

He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.

The case was brought before a wise judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah...yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own atheists' holiday!"

The lawyer pompously said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?"

The judge said, "Well it comes every year on exactly the same date---April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider that Psalm 14:1, Psalm 53 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture he is a fool, thus April 1st is his holiday! Get it?"

An Amazing End-Times Novel
Scarscvr.jpg
By Patience Prence

A little boy, who wanted $100.00 very badly, prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD, U.S.A., they decided to send it to President Obama. President Obama was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy $5.00. Mr. Obama thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to GOD that read: "Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those devils deducted $95.00.

 

8:15 pm est

Acts 2:38

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your sin...) The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!"

 

8:12 pm est

The Horse

A preacher trained his horse to go when he said, "Praise the Lord," and to stop when he said, "Amen". The preacher mounted the horse, said, "Praise the Lord" and went for a ride.

When he wanted to stop for lunch, he said, "Amen".

He took off again, saying, "Praise the Lord".

The horse started going toward the edge of the cliff. The preacher got excited and said, "Whoa!". Then he remembered and said, "Amen", so the horse stopped at the edge. The preacher was so relieved that he looked up to heaven and said, "Praise the Lord!"

 

7:06 pm est

The Penthouse


The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters - a tiny one bedroom apartment.

The Pope is horrified and demands to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge.

Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer.

"A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important than a lawyer!"

"With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!"

 

7:02 pm est

One balmy day in the South Pacific, a navy ship espied smoke coming from one of three huts on an uncharted island. Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a shipwreck survivor. He said, "I'm so glad you're here! I've been alone on this island for more than five years!"

The captain replied, "If you're all alone on the island why do I see THREE huts."

The survivor said, "Oh. Well, I live in one, and go to church in another."

"What about the THIRD hut?" asked the captain.

"That's where I USED to go to church."

 

5:20 pm est

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, "It's Adam's Suit!"

 

5:15 pm est

The Millionaire

At a church meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith. "I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."

He finished and there was an awed silence at his testimony as he moved toward his seat. As he sat down a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him: "I dare you to do it again."



Was Jonah Really Swallowed By A Whale?


There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After a while he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied "Of course I do because it is the Bible, and I beleive the Bible is the inspired word of God."

He said "Well ... what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"

She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes! I believe that, it is in the Bible."

He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said "Well I don't really know ...  I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."

"What if
he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then
you can ask him," replied the lady.



The Dog

A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute.  Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give the reverend the dog."



The Rest Of The Story ... .


Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history ...



No Vacancy


The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.

"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen.  Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back...."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?"

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, two days later, St. Peter got a call.

"Pete, Lu.  Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns.
This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody,
the Graham guy is saving everybody,
and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."



"The Computer is Down"

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

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